Finding strength, losing hope. Finding myself, but not always where I want to be.
God.
The ever-present One.
It's incredible how the times I see it most clear are the times when I have nothing to give to Him. I don't like getting things, I don't like charity, and I don't like "owing" people; therefore I try to give, I try to be better, I try to stay on top so that whatever the outcome may be, I'll still be able to live with myself.
It never works.
Always, and I repeat ALWAYS, the moment that I find what I have been giving everything for is the moment I collapse from the weight of it all and shrink back upon the last wall laying behind me, as if I can't take one more breathe, and somehow I do. Somehow I breathe.
THAT! That is when I see I've done it again... tried to make it in my own strength. Wanted what I wanted... again. Will I ever learn? Will I ever be who I know He wants me to be? Will I ever see the steps I am supposed to take to get there?
God and I... we have this special relationship.
He loves me. He never stops loving me.
One time I was driving in my car, completely distraught and worried about some issue (that I honestly cannot recall now) and I was so upset that I looked at the sky and said, "...and even the sun won't shine!". I was asking God where he was in all this. No sooner had I said those words, the clouds parted and the sun peaked out whispering, "I'm here, Pam. I always am." I started crying. Why is it that my carnal nature always questions? Where was I when God crafted the sun and hung in in the sky? Where was I when he weaved my life into existence? Where was I when he protected me from every evil that tried to come against me? I was living in the blessing that I had so forsaken.
I find myself here again. The crossroads. Which do I chose?
Hope? The unknown. The road that will definitely hold a prize I cannot even comprehend.
Or Skepticism? The familiar. Always think the worse... it can't get any worse than that.
How can I even question this? I know hope leads to good... but I want to choose the familiar. The dark place inside my soul where I hold onto my fear like a dead animal. Stinking, rotting... but mine.
Human nature leads to self destruction. We are not good. God is good. God never stops calling us out of ourselves. He never stops when we think we have chosen right for ourselves. He is the only one that never stops believing in us, the only one who will never stop fighting for us, and the ONLY one who will never stop being good. He is Hope. What a remarkable God we serve.
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, sure and strong. It enters behind the curtain in the Most Holy Place in heaven, where Jesus has gone ahead of us and for us. He has become the high priest forever, a priest like Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:19
When we have nothing else, we always have Hope.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Chapter 68: Light
Today, I sip on my favorite coffee in the world (or at least the parts that I have traveled) and finish my delectable plain bagel paired with it's sister, plain cream cheese. The bagel was so good, I'm tempted to lick the knife that gave me the cheese, but I restrain myself.
These past few weeks have given me time of my own to be pensive and solemnly wait upon the future. I have found myself shaken yet grounded, lost yet never alone, and constantly undeserving of God's faithfulness. These words rightly do not sound as if they should be matched, but nonetheless, they are exactly my point. We are but humans in a world that is purely imperfect, yet however far we think we wander away from any call or purpose, we find that there is One person always making us strong. I recently listened to a sermon where the pastor began to explain a verse that is as well known as it is powerful: Ps. 119:105 - Your word is like a lamp for my feet and a light for my path. Well, the pastor began explaining that in those days, people would walk with something similar to an "ankle lantern" around one of their feet and it would literally light the earth enough to see the next footfall. This explanation brought, no pun intended, a whole new "light" to the verse for me. Though we may not be able to see our entire future or purpose or calling at one time, God's word never leaves us without the next move. God is a God of answers and He never fails. This has become my anchor as I strive to work out my salvation daily.
Yet again, thank God for God.
These past few weeks have given me time of my own to be pensive and solemnly wait upon the future. I have found myself shaken yet grounded, lost yet never alone, and constantly undeserving of God's faithfulness. These words rightly do not sound as if they should be matched, but nonetheless, they are exactly my point. We are but humans in a world that is purely imperfect, yet however far we think we wander away from any call or purpose, we find that there is One person always making us strong. I recently listened to a sermon where the pastor began to explain a verse that is as well known as it is powerful: Ps. 119:105 - Your word is like a lamp for my feet and a light for my path. Well, the pastor began explaining that in those days, people would walk with something similar to an "ankle lantern" around one of their feet and it would literally light the earth enough to see the next footfall. This explanation brought, no pun intended, a whole new "light" to the verse for me. Though we may not be able to see our entire future or purpose or calling at one time, God's word never leaves us without the next move. God is a God of answers and He never fails. This has become my anchor as I strive to work out my salvation daily.
Yet again, thank God for God.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Chapter 65: Everything
I've been asking God for awhile now, "Change me, who do you want me to be? What do you want to change in me." He's recently spoken. "Everything."
I'm now who I never thought I'd be
Once a wound spool of thread,
now a thin pile of lavender string.
I'll be honest, I thought I had it all:
Safety, contentment, drive...
But in the harbor of my all-enclosing walls
Someone broke through and found me half-alive.
Hard as hard can be, I didn't try to stop it
I wanted to, you can believe that
All my fears were coming
They're here even though i tried running.
If this was who I have always been,
Once a wound spool of thread,
Rip me to peices, take out all of my sin!
Now I'm starting over in my loosened state
I find myself feeling lost more than ever before
But I don't think I can ever change
If I always just stay the same.
Love is hard if you've never known it
Love is different than I've ever seen it.
It will not be ignored
And I thank God for that.
I'm now who I never thought I'd be
Once a wound spool of thread,
now a thin pile of lavender string.
I'll be honest, I thought I had it all:
Safety, contentment, drive...
But in the harbor of my all-enclosing walls
Someone broke through and found me half-alive.
Hard as hard can be, I didn't try to stop it
I wanted to, you can believe that
All my fears were coming
They're here even though i tried running.
If this was who I have always been,
Once a wound spool of thread,
Rip me to peices, take out all of my sin!
Now I'm starting over in my loosened state
I find myself feeling lost more than ever before
But I don't think I can ever change
If I always just stay the same.
Love is hard if you've never known it
Love is different than I've ever seen it.
It will not be ignored
And I thank God for that.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Chapter 64: Mind Blown
I am at a point where I am confused about a great deal many things. The things that I was once so sure of have recently been proved utterly wrong.
I remember a night when I was praying and crying so hard that I got a terrible headache. I was praying for the healing of my uncle. After a short while I felt that I had a word from the Lord and I retired into slumber, at peace with what had happened in my prayer time. Before I fell asleep, I sent a message to my parents asking them to call when they woke up because I had some hope, hope that they could feast on and that could grow inside of them as it was growing in me. Everything was going to be just fine. Everything was going to be good... after all, God works all things out for the good of those that love Him, right?
My parents called in the morning, I shared my experience with them and told them that I had discovered the difference between faith and hope and that I had real faith this time for my uncle (my father's brother) to be healed and because it was true faith... it would happen. We didn't need to worry, we simply didn't need to. He was going to be fine. Four months later, uncle passed away leaving behind 4 children high school and under and a wife who had just found out she has a serious medical problem. He passed away on the night of his oldest daughter's senior prom and was buried on he and his wife's 21st anniversary. Wow. How could so much happen to one family?
Not only does my heart literally ache for their home... I'm confused. I had faith. I felt so at peace with his healing. I knew that night beyond anything that my uncle was going to be healed from his cancer and God was going to get all the glory. Did I not pray enough? Did my faith decrease? Was I talking about something I had no clue about? I can say to this day that when I got the call he had passed away, I was surprised. I wanted to ask my mom, "Are you sure? Check again."
I talked to so many people after my nighttime prayers about how different faith and hope were. "Hope is not being sure of something, but wishing it to happen, and faith is knowing that what you believe will happen." I almost explained it as I didn't know this before and that's why the other people I had prayed for hadn't been healed. I guess... after all of this... I am still clueless.
I haven't given up hope. I'm still looking for the answers and God is always the one I turn to. None of this has made me stop believing God is who He is, but I won't lie... I did take a step back for a minute. I didn't understand to such the extent that I wanted time to understand before I sought God for anything again. I assure you... this is not the answer. I came to Franklin a few weeks after my uncle's death and went to church with my friend Kendra. God... in His profound omnipotence, never stopped thinking about my situation. The very first sermon that Sunday was on hope building our faith. My goodness, I did not want to listen. However, I did.. and through tears I tried holding back, but that escaped down light streams on my face, I told God, "I don't know how to believe."
Psalm 136:23 He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever.
2 Cor. 9:12 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I cannot boast enough about how God has never given up on me. I continue to seek God on what all of this meant or means... the answer to what faith is, how to trust... but for now, I am weak. I hope this continues to be the tattoo across my face. I cannot do anything without the strength and power of Christ. Here I am Lord, confused and broken. Do what you will.
2 Corinthians 12:10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I remember a night when I was praying and crying so hard that I got a terrible headache. I was praying for the healing of my uncle. After a short while I felt that I had a word from the Lord and I retired into slumber, at peace with what had happened in my prayer time. Before I fell asleep, I sent a message to my parents asking them to call when they woke up because I had some hope, hope that they could feast on and that could grow inside of them as it was growing in me. Everything was going to be just fine. Everything was going to be good... after all, God works all things out for the good of those that love Him, right?
My parents called in the morning, I shared my experience with them and told them that I had discovered the difference between faith and hope and that I had real faith this time for my uncle (my father's brother) to be healed and because it was true faith... it would happen. We didn't need to worry, we simply didn't need to. He was going to be fine. Four months later, uncle passed away leaving behind 4 children high school and under and a wife who had just found out she has a serious medical problem. He passed away on the night of his oldest daughter's senior prom and was buried on he and his wife's 21st anniversary. Wow. How could so much happen to one family?
Not only does my heart literally ache for their home... I'm confused. I had faith. I felt so at peace with his healing. I knew that night beyond anything that my uncle was going to be healed from his cancer and God was going to get all the glory. Did I not pray enough? Did my faith decrease? Was I talking about something I had no clue about? I can say to this day that when I got the call he had passed away, I was surprised. I wanted to ask my mom, "Are you sure? Check again."
I talked to so many people after my nighttime prayers about how different faith and hope were. "Hope is not being sure of something, but wishing it to happen, and faith is knowing that what you believe will happen." I almost explained it as I didn't know this before and that's why the other people I had prayed for hadn't been healed. I guess... after all of this... I am still clueless.
I haven't given up hope. I'm still looking for the answers and God is always the one I turn to. None of this has made me stop believing God is who He is, but I won't lie... I did take a step back for a minute. I didn't understand to such the extent that I wanted time to understand before I sought God for anything again. I assure you... this is not the answer. I came to Franklin a few weeks after my uncle's death and went to church with my friend Kendra. God... in His profound omnipotence, never stopped thinking about my situation. The very first sermon that Sunday was on hope building our faith. My goodness, I did not want to listen. However, I did.. and through tears I tried holding back, but that escaped down light streams on my face, I told God, "I don't know how to believe."
Psalm 136:23 He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever.
2 Cor. 9:12 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I cannot boast enough about how God has never given up on me. I continue to seek God on what all of this meant or means... the answer to what faith is, how to trust... but for now, I am weak. I hope this continues to be the tattoo across my face. I cannot do anything without the strength and power of Christ. Here I am Lord, confused and broken. Do what you will.
2 Corinthians 12:10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Chapter 63: Franklin
Today is my first entire day of the summer spent in the beautiful Franklin, TN area. Currently, I am sitting in a starbucks in this wealthy county listening to the sounds of Yo-Yo Ma playing The Swan. No, it's not on the Starbucks radio, it's through my earbuds. It's one of my favorites.
I've spent the morning driving around and placing applications at various places for extra work. Marshalls, fingers crossed. It's a chilly day, and the sun refuses to show it's self, but that's ok. I start my internship tomorrow! I'm excited.
Since school finished up in early May, I've had plenty of time alone to rest, relax, and think. Free time often gets me in trouble. I think so much about all the things I'm unsure about: money, job, future, security, who I want to be, who I really am, responsibility, and any other worrisome thing you can think of. Then... because as I have recently discovered, I am a person who is almost always stressed out, I stress. My dad says I need to get this under control for the sake of my health (and I'm only 21). Upon the recommendation of someone very close to me, today, in this blog, I've decided to do the opposite. I'm going to tell you what I'm grateful of and what I'm proud of.
1. I made it here. I've worked hard, busted my buns at some points, but I've made it to a place I've been only once and am embarking on an adventure that will test my capabilities. How could this not be good?
2. I'm in love. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because these words keep dancing across my brain like wisps of sweet cotton candy blowing in the wind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
3. My life is ahead of me. Whatever turns my life may take, God always has a plan. No matter how much I could screw this up, God has the perfect next step for me. I'm protected, I'm taken care of, and I'm never forgotten. This is the most comforting thing I could ever feel. To be never forgotten. How incroyable. (I felt it needed to be said in french)
4. I'm free. I could run around this city, arms open wide screaming, "BLLLAAAHHHH" and tomorrow, I could leave. This sounds awesome.
I'm on an adventure. I've got so much to look forward to. I'm ready to meet God in a new way, on a different level. I'm so ready to be changed. I'm ready for something different.
Bring. It. On.
Well, that's all I have for today.
Until our next hello,
Pamela
I've spent the morning driving around and placing applications at various places for extra work. Marshalls, fingers crossed. It's a chilly day, and the sun refuses to show it's self, but that's ok. I start my internship tomorrow! I'm excited.
Since school finished up in early May, I've had plenty of time alone to rest, relax, and think. Free time often gets me in trouble. I think so much about all the things I'm unsure about: money, job, future, security, who I want to be, who I really am, responsibility, and any other worrisome thing you can think of. Then... because as I have recently discovered, I am a person who is almost always stressed out, I stress. My dad says I need to get this under control for the sake of my health (and I'm only 21). Upon the recommendation of someone very close to me, today, in this blog, I've decided to do the opposite. I'm going to tell you what I'm grateful of and what I'm proud of.
1. I made it here. I've worked hard, busted my buns at some points, but I've made it to a place I've been only once and am embarking on an adventure that will test my capabilities. How could this not be good?
2. I'm in love. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because these words keep dancing across my brain like wisps of sweet cotton candy blowing in the wind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
3. My life is ahead of me. Whatever turns my life may take, God always has a plan. No matter how much I could screw this up, God has the perfect next step for me. I'm protected, I'm taken care of, and I'm never forgotten. This is the most comforting thing I could ever feel. To be never forgotten. How incroyable. (I felt it needed to be said in french)
4. I'm free. I could run around this city, arms open wide screaming, "BLLLAAAHHHH" and tomorrow, I could leave. This sounds awesome.
I'm on an adventure. I've got so much to look forward to. I'm ready to meet God in a new way, on a different level. I'm so ready to be changed. I'm ready for something different.
Bring. It. On.
Well, that's all I have for today.
Until our next hello,
Pamela
Friday, February 4, 2011
Chapter 61: Coming Clean
Pride. When I think of pride, the opposite is humility. Now, in my recent experience, I'm learning that trust and humility could possibly be a dual sided coin. For the prideful person, ultimate humility is to trust. Trusting someone is putting that person in the position to fail you, to hurt you, to surprise you, and possibly to make you happy. For the prideful person, however, only one of these options sounds good and even that option has the word "possibly" in it, therefore negating the probability for a good outcome. With this in mind, allow me to come clean.
I am a prideful person. Though I will often put myself in the spotlight simply to embarrass myself for a laugh, my real pride is never damaged. Honestly, I try to never put myself in the position of allowing someone to think something of me that I haven't "led" them to believe. My mind will play out entire conversations before I even speak one word. If there is a possibility of that conversation turning sour, I won't start. In this way, I have manipulated my appearance and reputation (in my head) to be strong and independent when in reality I am self conscious and weak. I have allowed few people to get close to me. When someone begins to unravel my secret, I pull back and tell myself this is not what I want. In my leadership positions, I do not expose my weakness' for fear of losing what respect I have gained. This is me.
Even now, as I write these things I fear that everything I have worked toward appearing has been futilely swept into a truck stop toilet and is now getting ripped apart with bristles of a toilet bowl brush. (overdramatic? ...didn't you miss me?) When I feel like this I'll take it as a hint... I've got more pride left.
Now that I've recognized another and not yet final part of myself that must change in order to become more like my Creator, I don't know what to do. I fear that the solution to my pride is to be publicly humiliated. I don't think this is necessarily true. What I brought up in the first paragraph is where I think God is growing me and what I think He's teaching me from this recognition.
God has brought me to a place of learning to trust. For the first time a few weeks ago I literally told God that I trusted Him with every ounce of my being. I took my heart in my hands and said, "I can't do it anymore". For me, this was humbling. God is the God of the universe. Doesn't he have "bigger fish to fry"? Doesn't He in some way need my help? These truly were never questions that I had put into words for God, but by my actions... I was saying them. I had to understand that I can't and will never be able to do it all. Not only that, I can't do ANYTHING without first being His.
The second level of trust He is now taking me through is trusting Him and His spirit through other people. I lept one hurdle, and found three more waiting two steps away. God, I did it! I confessed I couldn't do it! Wasn't that enough? God said, "Hah." I'm so fortunate to have strong Christian people in my life. People who I know have a personal and intimate relationship with Christ. Why shouldn't I be able to trust them? Pride. Though I "trusted" God, I couldn't trust His people? Yes, people are human and people will fail... guaranteed. But God never does. God is consistent. God shows consistency how to be consistent. If God is in control, if God is God of everything, all I need to do is trust. Trust that His motives are for me, trust that He's got it under control.
This is where I am. Always learning, always growing. Trust. How sweet is that?
I am a prideful person. Though I will often put myself in the spotlight simply to embarrass myself for a laugh, my real pride is never damaged. Honestly, I try to never put myself in the position of allowing someone to think something of me that I haven't "led" them to believe. My mind will play out entire conversations before I even speak one word. If there is a possibility of that conversation turning sour, I won't start. In this way, I have manipulated my appearance and reputation (in my head) to be strong and independent when in reality I am self conscious and weak. I have allowed few people to get close to me. When someone begins to unravel my secret, I pull back and tell myself this is not what I want. In my leadership positions, I do not expose my weakness' for fear of losing what respect I have gained. This is me.
Even now, as I write these things I fear that everything I have worked toward appearing has been futilely swept into a truck stop toilet and is now getting ripped apart with bristles of a toilet bowl brush. (overdramatic? ...didn't you miss me?) When I feel like this I'll take it as a hint... I've got more pride left.
Now that I've recognized another and not yet final part of myself that must change in order to become more like my Creator, I don't know what to do. I fear that the solution to my pride is to be publicly humiliated. I don't think this is necessarily true. What I brought up in the first paragraph is where I think God is growing me and what I think He's teaching me from this recognition.
God has brought me to a place of learning to trust. For the first time a few weeks ago I literally told God that I trusted Him with every ounce of my being. I took my heart in my hands and said, "I can't do it anymore". For me, this was humbling. God is the God of the universe. Doesn't he have "bigger fish to fry"? Doesn't He in some way need my help? These truly were never questions that I had put into words for God, but by my actions... I was saying them. I had to understand that I can't and will never be able to do it all. Not only that, I can't do ANYTHING without first being His.
The second level of trust He is now taking me through is trusting Him and His spirit through other people. I lept one hurdle, and found three more waiting two steps away. God, I did it! I confessed I couldn't do it! Wasn't that enough? God said, "Hah." I'm so fortunate to have strong Christian people in my life. People who I know have a personal and intimate relationship with Christ. Why shouldn't I be able to trust them? Pride. Though I "trusted" God, I couldn't trust His people? Yes, people are human and people will fail... guaranteed. But God never does. God is consistent. God shows consistency how to be consistent. If God is in control, if God is God of everything, all I need to do is trust. Trust that His motives are for me, trust that He's got it under control.
This is where I am. Always learning, always growing. Trust. How sweet is that?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Chapter 57: Again... and again
I am constantly being brought back. I have what one might call "re-occuring" thoughts.
Again, I began thinking about my Weakness As Inability chapter, posted this past summer and how we as Christians deem when in it right and correct to forgive people. We become the judge. This is disturbing and wrong.
This past weekend I began thinking of the distance Christians place between themselves (ourselves) and as we like to say "the world." (a popular "Christianese" term I hate) Rather than becoming Jesus' actual hands, feet, mouths, and voices, we choose to judge people from a far off pedestal, on which we have placed ourselves. I am blessed with a friend who violated this boundary and placed herself in a situation where she began to understand another part of American culture; a part that most Christians don't want to acknowledge exists, or if they do, they vomit on it and walk away.
Unacceptable.
My friend spent time being Jesus and planting seeds in a place unknown to real love. What an example. I began thinking how Christians, in general, divide the righteous from the unrighteous and essentially eliminate their field of ministry and instead focus on the "safe" people within the church. (This topic of coarse negates missionaries and some pastors. I am mainly speaking in terms of you and I people who are working out our Christian faith as a lifestyle rather than a once-a-week obligation.) When do we begin to cross the divide of good and evil and begin searching for the truly lost and invest time and love into people without slapping their faces with sick religiosity?
How do we show love?
Real love.
How do we love people who don't want forgiveness? Is love the key to breaking down walls? If someone doesn't want forgiveness, is it our place to decide they don't deserve love? Did Jesus die for everyone or just his disciples who cared for him?
Who are we to tell people that they are unworthy of love?
Who are you and I to be worthy of love? Because we've changed, now we deserve it? Because we see that it is because of God that we have breath, that's why we deserve love?
In case you were wondering, NO! Jesus died for us before we even heard his name. Jesus died for us before we had breath, Jesus died for us because he loved. Jesus died for us because he saw us in our muck and desired us! Who are we to steal someone's salvation simply because they are in their muck? Do we not all come from evil?
(Feel free to breathe... Breathe in... Breathe out. I felt pretty passionate in those questions. Please don't feel overwhelmed)
I don't really know how to wrap this one up, so I'll simply type the few words left to be repeated:
Love. Truly love.
Again, I began thinking about my Weakness As Inability chapter, posted this past summer and how we as Christians deem when in it right and correct to forgive people. We become the judge. This is disturbing and wrong.
This past weekend I began thinking of the distance Christians place between themselves (ourselves) and as we like to say "the world." (a popular "Christianese" term I hate) Rather than becoming Jesus' actual hands, feet, mouths, and voices, we choose to judge people from a far off pedestal, on which we have placed ourselves. I am blessed with a friend who violated this boundary and placed herself in a situation where she began to understand another part of American culture; a part that most Christians don't want to acknowledge exists, or if they do, they vomit on it and walk away.
Unacceptable.
My friend spent time being Jesus and planting seeds in a place unknown to real love. What an example. I began thinking how Christians, in general, divide the righteous from the unrighteous and essentially eliminate their field of ministry and instead focus on the "safe" people within the church. (This topic of coarse negates missionaries and some pastors. I am mainly speaking in terms of you and I people who are working out our Christian faith as a lifestyle rather than a once-a-week obligation.) When do we begin to cross the divide of good and evil and begin searching for the truly lost and invest time and love into people without slapping their faces with sick religiosity?
How do we show love?
Real love.
How do we love people who don't want forgiveness? Is love the key to breaking down walls? If someone doesn't want forgiveness, is it our place to decide they don't deserve love? Did Jesus die for everyone or just his disciples who cared for him?
Who are we to tell people that they are unworthy of love?
Who are you and I to be worthy of love? Because we've changed, now we deserve it? Because we see that it is because of God that we have breath, that's why we deserve love?
In case you were wondering, NO! Jesus died for us before we even heard his name. Jesus died for us before we had breath, Jesus died for us because he loved. Jesus died for us because he saw us in our muck and desired us! Who are we to steal someone's salvation simply because they are in their muck? Do we not all come from evil?
(Feel free to breathe... Breathe in... Breathe out. I felt pretty passionate in those questions. Please don't feel overwhelmed)
I don't really know how to wrap this one up, so I'll simply type the few words left to be repeated:
Love. Truly love.
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